‘Star Wars Holiday Special’

Scarier than any Horror Film

Star Wars Holiday Special

Niko Pavletic, Movie Critic

Hi!  I’m Niko Pavletic, and I have been a fan of films for as long as I can remember, but it was only as of this year that I have really been watching films from a critical point of view.  I naturally adapted my love of cinema, especially pre 1980’s cinema from my dad who might be even more of a cinephile than me.  I have made it my goal to be able to fairly critique movies without spoiling, or going too in detail about anything.

 

I rate movies on a scale of one to ten, with seven to ten being a film I would recommend.  Six and five are average movies that I don’t recommend, but also don’t recommend not watching them.  And four and below are bad, and a waste of time.  And remember my final rating of the movie is entirely my opinion.  I go over things like characters, plot, cinematography, and acting, without spoiling any major plot elements (Maybe I can make an exception in this review).  Enjoy my review!

 

Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

 

Runtime: Too Long

 

Rating: Pg (But this should be rated NC-17 just for how dangerously bad it is)

 

Main Cast: People who really don’t want to be on set.

 

Director: To avoid embarrassing anyone I won’t name the director, screenwriter, producer, etc.

 

Because it’s December I have decided to review a Christmas movie.  But instead of reviewing a good Christmas Movie like It’s a Wonderful Life, I have found the WORST holiday movie since I like watching crap.  Yes, this is an actual movie that was made by real people.  The movie is so complex in its awfulness it’s unbelievable.  Nothing about this movie is good at all, every second made me want to bleach my eyes.  Now I’m going to try to talk about this thing if I can find a starting point.

 

Well, I guess I should mention that the cast from the original Star Wars is in this.  This is not a parody, it’s an official film.  And I might as well mention now that the full movie is available on YouTube for free, so if you are interested in watching the masterclass in filmmaking known as the Holiday Special go right ahead.  The acting from the original cast in this movie is laughably bad probably because they were ready to stop production as soon as possible.  Carrie Fisher has such awful acting I can not put into words just how blatantly awkward it is.  Harrison Ford looks like he’s on the verge of fleeing the set, and Mark Hamill looks like a damn Barbie Doll, but maybe it’s just makeup from the motorcycle accident he got into.  Seriously watch any scene with Luke Skywalker and you’ll see what I mean.   There are some more characters in this movie but I’ll talk more about that later.

 

Now time to talk about what can loosely be called the plot.  I could write a 60-page essay on just how bad it is, but for simplicity’s sake, I’ll only write it in 59 pages.  The plot is Chewbacca needs to get home to his family for “Life Day” (whatever that is) because he needs to spend the holiday with his family.  Now first of all this movie reuses so many shots from the original Star Wars.  Any shot of the Millenium Falcon is just a shot from a far better movie I could have been watching but decided to watch this trash instead.  Now to talk about the worst part of the “film”.   Chewie’s family takes up a good majority of the screen time, and of course, they speak in Wookie language, they are Wookies after all.  But there aren’t any subtitles for them so the majority of the movie is just noise.   Annoying repetitive Wookie sound effects.  AND THIS IS THE WHOLE MOVIE.   I can’t believe I wasted an hour and a half of my life watching this when I could have been doing much more productive things like sitting on the couch doing nothing all day.

 

Now I have to talk about Chewbacca’s family.  First off their names are hilarious.  You look at a name like Chewbacca and think “ok that sounds like an alien name.”  You even look at his wife in this movie whose name is Mala (which is still kind of stupid) and can see the alien resemblance in that name.  But Itchy and Lumpy are the dumbest names an alien could have, especially a Wookie.  Those are names the Seven Dwarves would have.  Itchy I think is Chewbacca’s dad, and Lumpy is Chewbacca’s annoying little kid that I wanted to strangle every time he was on screen.  That may seem harsh, but he is one of the most annoying characters I have ever seen in any movie, show, video game, etc.  His annoying somewhat high-pitched growl drives me insane.  He is in the movie too much to just ignore.

 

So on with the plot.  The empire for a reason I don’t care to remember arrives at the Wookie house.  OH NO!  Just kidding I don’t actually care about the Wookie family, and honestly, I can see why Chewbacca left.  Sadly Lumpy is not put out of his misery at any point in the film.  Calm down!  Calm down!  I can see people yelling at me because I wanted the annoying baby Wookie to die, but he’s really insufferable.  I mean he sounds like a broken radiator what’s not to hate.  However, there is one scene in which my wish almost comes true.  He’s walking on the balcony railing, and the fall surely would have killed him, but he’s wearing a very strong type of armor known as plot armor, so he’s safe.

 

Now throughout the movie, there are sequences of “nothing.”  Not literally nothing, but what I like to call “Nothing Sequences.”  What are these Nothing Sequences?  Scenes that have absolutely no purpose or impact in the story and are only there to stretch out the runtime, or what is known as “filler.”  There are a total of 7 nothing sequences, the longest one being a full 12 minutes, and overall take up 43 minutes 29 seconds.  That is over a third of the movie’s runtime wasted on absolutely nothing.  It’s only there because the director didn’t know any other way to extend the runtime other than putting as much filler in the movie as he possibly could.  Some of these scenes are as simple as a Jefferson’s Starship concert.  Ok?  That’s incredibly weird and didn’t need to be 5 minutes long.  But the worst one is (and I am not joking) a literal 6 minutes long virtual softcore porn sequence.  In order to get the full effect of this masterpiece, you have to watch it for yourself.  I mean it’s on youtube and has been on youtube for the past 6 years because neither Disney nor Lucasfilm want to claim ownership of this thing.  I don’t know why.  Who wouldn’t want ownership over such a lovely thing?

 

Anyways back to the plot.  So Han Solo and Chewbacca arrive at the house, they kill the one stormtrooper by making him trip himself off the balcony.  Then they all celebrate life day by going into some alternate dimension in which they all wear Satanic red cloaks, and hold snowglobes, and then Carrie Fisher starts singing, and the movie is over.  One of the worst movies ever made.  It’s so broken not even Stanley Kubrick could fix it.  I don’t think it’s fair to rate this movie on my normal rating scale.  I mean it’s obviously a 0/10, so I don’t rate this movie.  It doesn’t deserve a rating.  It should be locked away in a vault that is guarded at all times.  Anyways that’s my rant on this move.