This story was originally featured in the September Issue of the Arapahoe Herald

I have always been a big advocate for Birkenstocks. It all started in the eighth grade. I spent my own “hard-earned” money on a pair of beautiful Boston Soft Footbed Mocha Suede Birkenstock Clogs in a 37 narrow. My life as I know it had finally begun.

The newly glossed cork soles made my heart race and the sound of the metal adjustable buckles clinking together with every step was therapeutic.

These heavenly shoes quickly became my one true love. They brought me more happiness than Uggs and gaucho pants combined. Birkenstocks are the most comfortable orthopedic shoes on the face of the planet. They have drifted in and out of fashion for the past 50 years and they are considered a staple for all Phish-loving hippies.

But my opinion on the once marvelous Birkenstock has changed drastically in the past month. What used to bring me joy now brings me discomfort and disgust.

Arapahoe has been plagued with Birkenstock Fever. On any given day I can see an entire ocean of Birkenstocks in the school hallways.

People don’t respect the Birkenstock like I do.

Students are able to sign on to any new trend without having to fully understand their complicated simplicity and pure beauty. You have to truly get to know your Birkenstock before you can parade them around.

As the exercise motto goes: “No pain, no gain.” It takes hours of blood, sweat and tears to train your wild, unruly Birkenstocks. It is common knowledge that it takes 40 hours of painful walking to break in a pair of Birks. The break-in process is necessary. There is no way around it.

If you don’t get at least three blisters in the process, then you are not doing it right.

I refuse to accept the possibility that this many people have mastered the art of the break-in. Some of you people out there are dying on the inside as you put on a facade of how you think the stereotypical “Birk wearer” would act. Some people probably buy Birks and wear them once before abandoning them.

Some people think that it is acceptable to wear Birkenstocks with clothing that does not match the overall aesthetic. You cannot wear Birkenstocks with basketball shorts (…boys), hats of any kind, or anything over the price of $15 not found at a thrift store or handed down by friends and family.

If you’re truly going for the hardcore Birk look, you might as well buy your granola cargo pants and Nalgene water bottle right now. Start eating organic and local foods and forget about Chick-Fil-A. What hippie in their right mind would eat such toxic food?

You know what? Scratch that. True Birkenstock wearers only live on nudist communes in California run by Ken Kesey. If you’re not living the official granola life, you should not be sporting a pair of Birkenstocks.

Birkenstocks: live, love, and prosper.